by Dr. Will Cole
As a functional medicine practitioner my job is to get to the root cause of why people are experiencing health problems.
So much can be gained from finding out which foods your body loves and which ones it loathes. As Hippocrates, the father of modern medicine, said thousands of years ago, “Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.”
But a piece we often overlook that is just as important as the foods we eat? Stress. You can eat healthy all day long, but our body consumes and digests stress, too: if you’re feeding your body a big slice of stress, it could be the missing link in your holistic health puzzle.
Many studies have shown that our stress levels will hurt our health. Stress can increase just about every health issue such as brain, thyroid, immune, and weight problems. And, when we look at stress, we always have to start with ourselves, but it doesn’t stop there. What causes some of the highest stress levels in our lives? Relationships.
Toxic relationships: when the emotional becomes biological
It’s true, a toxic relationship can wreck all of your attempts at a healthy lifestyle. Many of my patients over the years could pinpoint their health declining when they were in a toxic, stressful relationship or environment.
Marriages, family members, friendships, co-workers, and bosses can all be toxic for your well-being.
The Whitehall II study, a landmark body of research followed more than 10,000 people for over 12 years and confirmed that the link between toxic relationships, stress, and your health is real. Those who were in negative relationships were at greater risk of developing heart problems, including dying from heart attacks and strokes, than those whose close relationships were not negative. Humans have adapted something called conserved transcriptional response to adversity (CTRA), a type of gene expression that’s associated with inflammation and low immunity. So if you were being chased by a predator, CTRA allowed for some helpful short-term benefits, such as increased healing, physical recovery, and the increased likelihood of survival.
The chronic stress of an unhealthy relationship can cause a long-term activation of our brain’s CTRA, contributing to chronic inflammation and increasing the risk of health problems like adrenal fatigue.
How to spot a toxic relationship
Most people know when their relationship with someone is not positive, but a toxic relationship is not always easy to detect.
Toxic Relationship Quiz
Of course, we all have our good and bad days. This quiz will be helpful for figuring out whether your relationship is truly toxic. After you hang out with this person, do you feel any of the below on a consistent basis? (By consistent we mean more often than not. This is key!)
- Bad about yourself
- An unequal amount of “give and take”
- Shunned, an outsider, or otherwise not accepted for who you are
- Emotionally or physically unsafe
Do you need a relationship detox?
I am a big advocate of integrating “detox” practices on all levels of life. Clearing your life of what is not serving your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being will help you find balance so you can thrive.
Here are my six tips for giving yourself a relationship detox and tips on setting healthy boundaries:
1. Realize you have four choices for that negative relationship.
- Accept the relationship as it is, and be at peace with it as it is.
- Change the relationship by creating boundaries. You can’t change people.
- Leave the relationship.
- Feel miserable.
Since every relationship is different, these options will mean different things to everyone. But I encourage you not to choose “feel miserable” anymore. You are hurting your health and everyone around you by harboring that negative energy.
2. Grow in mindfulness to make the right choice for you.
To determine the best course of action for your toxic relationship, you first need to deal with yourself. Start consistent mindfulness meditation to bring peace into your life and grow in presence. By becoming more present and less worried about perceived future events or the mental replaying of past events with this person, you will anchor yourself in the only place of effective change, which is right here, right now.
There are great apps like Inscape’s new app that will guide you to grow your mindfulness muscle.
3. Find your inner strength.
In addition to mindfulness, I find that other practices of calm strength can be a catalyst for positive change. My friend, yoga superstar Liz Arch found her strength and clarity in the midst of a very toxic relationship through yoga. The movement, mindfulness, and breathing of yoga can be healing in that it helps release negative energy, clarifying the body and mind from the inside.
4. Talk with someone.
Consider going to a qualified mindfulness-based counselor. While there are many beneficial schools of therapy and counseling, I like this one the most. Talking to a qualified therapist who has an objective view and remains neutral through big life changes will provide space for you to share your perspective and arm you with practical tools for your unique situation.
If your toxic relationship is personal (family member, friend, or spouse), consider asking them to go to counseling with you if they are willing.
5. Set appropriate boundaries.
Whether you are going to accept, change, or leave the relationship will help you sculpt the new healthy boundaries you need to set.
- For optimal health, I suggest having your inner circle of people filled with loved ones who build you up and bring positive energy to your life.
- The next level of people you have in your life are those that you can be a positive influence on but benefit greatly by having healthy boundaries.
- The outermost circle of healthy boundaries should be those who will negatively affect your life if you get too close. Be kind but from a distance.
Trust your intuition: It has the wisdom to make tough calls for who you spend your time with, for they will influence your mental, physical, and spiritual health for better or worse.
6. Create the tribe you want.
Just as negative people are linked to hurting your health, conversely, recent research showed that people with good friends had lower inflammation levels and blood pressure compared with those with poor relationship ties. Surround yourself with people who edify you and challenge you to be the best version of yourself. Your health depends on it!
I originally wrote this article for mindbodygreen.